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05:27 p.m.
i'm off to chattanooga for a few days and then i am moving across the street into a townhouse with a friend. busy, busy. good news is on friday i will have the ever popular cable modem.

and for those who've asked, be prepared. starting friday the webcam will be on 24/7.

au reviour!

04:33 a.m.
lately my little weblog has turned into a diary. the three Es (ego, esteem and estrogen) have been on a rollercoaster since Monday night.

quick update: any shred of self-confidence i once held onto is now shivering desperately in the wake of recent events.
it'll only take time to heal these open, bleeding wounds, but damn, don't they mean it when they say "when it rains it pours"?

02:15 p.m.
i haven't been much in the mood to blog this story, but now is a good a time as any.

i came as near to death sunday as i ever have been before or ever want to be again.

a group of employees went white water rafting two days ago as part of our annual "year trip", an event planned for those who have been working for the restaurant one year or more. i easily qualified.
we went rafting with a company called Ocoee Outdoors, the same group i'd gone with twice before. both times it was decent fun, but a bit tame for my liking.
so every one in my 6-man group had been before and was up for a little adventure. our guide J.B. was up for it as well.
we rafted half way down the rapids when J.B. got a wild hair. he wanted to execute his signature move, "the splat", which consists of hitting a rock head on sending the raft straight up into the air ("popping a wheelie", if you will) and scattering the boats contents into the water. needless to say, we were all stoked.
the first one we did was pretty rad: we all fell out and aside from being hit by someone's ass on the way out and being trapped under the raft for a little longer than i wnated, it was quite a rush.

so at the end of our tour, there is one rapid left, Hell Hole. it is right before powerhouse, a rapid that we were told to steer clear of because the rocks were too sharp for the raft to sustain.
so J.B.'s maniac self decides it would be "stellar" to try the "splat" out again at Hell's Hole. he says we are less likely to fall out here, becuase we there are less rocks, so we are all for it.

his one explicit instruction was, if we were to fall out, swim hard to the right to avoid the perilous rapid that is Powerhouse.
so poppin' a wheelie we go, and damned if we don't all get thrown out again. but this time the raft and all its passengers are out of sight before i fight my way to the surface.
calmly, at first, i look around for a sign of anyone, and no such luck. i remember to stick my feet out in the "safety swim" position, but unfortunately i forget that swim hard to the right part.

all at once i realize i am about to head over the powerhouse rapid we were warned about, the one that even the raft couldn't handle.
all at once i lose focus and begin screaming for help. no one is around to hear me.

so i brace myself for this tumble i'm about to take over a really scary looking rapid.
keeping my head above water was my main goal, and i barely succeeded in doing that. if it weren't for my helmet and life jacket, this would have been an entirely different story, perhaps one written on a laptop from a hospital bed.

so after a terrifying trip down the notorious Powerhouse rapid sans raft, i start swimming for my raft which is nothing but a dot in my line of vision.
a few moments later another raft comes up behind me to my rescue, however a tad too late.

before pulling me in they ask if i am bleeding, and this hasn't occured to me. once safely inside the boat i look down to see my knees and elbows streaming with blood. and all of the sudden it starts to hurt. bad.

not five minutes later i'm on shore, and i find my group, headed up by crazy-ass J.B. screaming up and down that i am the "fucking champion". he says he's only seen three people go down that rapid the way i did and i'm lucky i have my face still intact.

two days later, i don't feel much like a champion, rather like a big loser. i'm covered in scrapes and bruises and i'm sore where i never knew there to be muscles.
and as cheesy as this may sound, i kinda have a new respect for life. i wasn't going to die or anything, but when i was bouncing along those sharp-ass rocks, you couldn't have told me any different.

02:10 p.m.
she's back. and with the events that transpired last night, just in time...

01:36 a.m.
a year ago he thought i was beautiful. now he doesn't. he told me so. we've been dating one year exactly.


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